2024 Sucks So Far ...

... the truth is a destructive bitch ...

She can destroy if exposed, OR kept hidden.

I guess it's time to refocus and find my peace and happiness in another direction. I'm devastated at the loss of a special friend. I'm even more upset that me and my truth are the cause of his hurt.

FML ... 

Never seems to be my turn .... 

For Louise ...

I never called her Louise ... that, of course WAS her name. She was my mother-in-law. I never REALLY called her "Mom" to her face ... well, maybe I did call her that in the early days, trying to figure out married life and how our relationship was going to work. When the children came along, I called her "Grandma". It was easier. She understood ... she told me she did. She also had a mother-in-law ... a MIL. She had been in my shoes as well.

When I became close to her son ... became engaged to her son ... and eventually married her son ... I never imagined that I would gain another mother figure as close as I did ... but, it happened ... when I really needed one. I can never express how wonderful she was ... never ...

The cliche's of MIL's ... well, she NEVER resembled them at all ... she was not a meddler or a nagger ... she was one of the sweetest ladies that ever walked the earth. All who came to know her, were truly blessed ...

I was blessed to be her only daughter-in-law ... blessed to love a son, whose mother raised him to be a gentleman, and a loving man, and a man who loved his mother in return. I was welcomed into a loving, close family ... and given 16+ ... almost 17 years in her loving grace. My two daughters have grown in her loving embrace as well. To see them flourish in her love has been a true blessing.

We never had the blessing of being around "Grandpa Ryan" ... he passed away while their girls were expecting their first grand-kids ... so "Grandma Ryan" has, with her own loving spirit, been the glue that has bound the generations together. 

We were anticipating celebrating her 90th birthday on January 6th of 2013 ... but, we fell just a few months shy of that goal ...

Last night, after we had such a lovely Thanksgiving Day celebration with her ... she took her final bow ... quietly ... gracefully ... like a lady ... without fanfare ... away from the family crowd. She had dinner at our table, and later that night, sat at the table with family she'd been separated from for such a long time.

We were lucky that she was never really sick and was always so independent for so long. She lived on her own, and not in a living facility ... she didn't have to cope with disease ... and she was as spry as ever, until her last day. She didn't suffer one minute ... just as, I am sure she, and we all, would want it.

As sad as we all are right now ... and our hearts are broken ... we are finding out how very special a lady she was to so many of us ... she was such a woman of faith, and she was sure of where she was going to be at the moment of her last breath. We rejoice in that knowledge. We know we will see her again, one day.

We sat around the table, yesterday, after saying grace, saying what we were thankful for. I recall she said she was thankful for her family, and for all of the love she felt from them. She knew how much she was loved ... and wow ... was she!

I am so thankful that we took videos of her stories this past summer ... and I am thankful that we took pictures of her around our table last evening ... and again, before she left our house to go home ... and as always, before she left the house, she hugged and kissed us, made the sign of the cross on our foreheads, we told her we loved her, and she said, "I love you more", and she told me that she'd send my love to family the next time she chatted with them. 

... and with that ... she walked out of my house ... and into forever ... 

The ER docs said it was a heart attack ... but, I am sure that God called her to heaven because her work here was done ... and (almost) 90 years is a long time to be away from home ...

She once told me that she thought that she had the BEST MIL in HER "Grandma Ryan" ... but I think she and I will have to disagree on that, because I think that MY "Grandma Ryan" has to be the BEST MIL there ever could be ... 

... and though I knew this day would eventually come ... it just hurts so bad, for everybody that this day is here. 

We don't want to have to imagine days without you ... but we know that you are in such a better place. We are better people for having had you in our lives ... and our lives are enriched for what you have brought to us. You will always be in our hearts, minds, and souls ... eternally ... We love you ...

"Grandma Ryan"

Thanksgiving Evening

11/22/2012

Heaven's Newest Angel

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Grandma ...

Florencia Crisostomo Lizama Garrido

10/26/2012

Today, Grandma would be 102 years old ... 102!!!

I can't even begin to fathom that age ... wow! How much change did this lovely lady see ... and how much adversity and hardship did she endure ... and how strong was she? She was just amazing! But, she was NEVER boastful or sought out recognition. She was a true super hero ... a quiet Superwoman!

I pray that those of us who have been touched and affected by her life, will go forward with the wisdom and DIGNITY that she imparted upon us ... teaching the next generations ... NEVER forgetting where we have come from, and appreciating what we have received.

Do I remember Grandma ever celebrating her own birthday while I lived on Guam? No, I don't! Am I surprised? No, I don't think I am. I remember Grandma being a self-less woman ... never putting herself in the spotlight ... always thinking of others. Today, I spotlight YOU, Grandma. While I may not remember celebrations of YOU in my childhood, know that in my heart, you and your lessons will always remain first and foremost, and I celebrate that.

Grandma, you taught ALL of us that LOVE IS INFINITE!!! You've taught us all about love of family, and love of God ... and that this love is forever. You've shown us by your example of your own life, and the very act of what you did for my father speaks volumes to me. Know how much we love you, and that we always will.

Each October, I watch as your special day comes closer, and I think of you more and more, each year as *I* get older. I know that you watch over each of your children, grandchildren, ... and now your great-grands ... your family expands, and so does our love, respect, and admiration for you.

I will never presume to speak for anyone ... but on this, I will ... your children and your grandchildren love and miss you so much ... your great-grandchildren's world is a little less special, by not having YOU in this world. 

We know that we have you watching over us, as our own special Guardian Angel. We know we have you praying those rosaries and novenas for us, for our own special intentions. We know that, even though you are in heaven, you are still very much a big part of our lives. 

Happy Birthday, Grandma ...

... until we are all together again ...

Love Letters ...

It's been quite an emotional few days for me, and it seems for the whole country since the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado ... there have been so many things running through my heart and my head that I've been wanting to write about ... that I've been trying to organize in my brain ... 

It's funny how the Universe seems to point you in the direction you are supposed to travel and pay attention to. I've been writing about loved ones I've lost here in this blog recently ... I've been thinking about the families of those who were lost in that senseless mass shooting ... I've been worrying about my two girls and the social developments they will be ... or potentially soon will be ... making --- I've been thinking about my age and my health and worrying about how I will be able to cope with my life in the future. I worry about my husband ... his age and his health ... and how we will all be able to manage if we fall off of the tight rope we seem to be walking on ... and the whole thing scares me half to death ... but, this is where the written word has always seemed to comfort and calm ... and help me organize my thoughts and emotions. 

As fate would have it, I am reading ... and just finishing Marie Tillman's book, The Letter: My Journey Through Love, Loss & Life . Marie was married to Pat Tillman. The book describes her life after Pat, after reading the letter he left for her to read if he was killed in action, interspersed with her memories of her life with him. I am always amazed at how strong one can be when one HAS to be. I have seen it as an RN, and I see it in the story written by Marie Tillman ... and I've seen it in all of the unfortunate stories of victims of the senseless tragedies that have plagued our country over the last several years. It made me wonder how I would cope if tragedy struck my precious family ... I don't know how I would ... or could ... cope with loss of this sort at all. Even though I fear for the safety of my girls as they start to enter the social circle of malls and movies, etc., and every cell in my body wants to shield them from everything. Someone much wiser than I said that we cannot live being afraid ... we cannot live in a bubble ... we cannot stay at home and be afraid to go out to the movie theater ... or go out in a car ... or to the mall. When it is our time to go ... it is our time to go ... we cannot change that.

Pat Tillman's letter made me wonder what kind of letter I would leave behind for my loved ones to read ... I wrote something many, many years ago that needs now to be updated and revised and changed and deleted. If some unforeseen tragedy took me from my family, I would want them to have a letter from me. But what would I write now? What would I write? I would certainly leave behind love letters ... that is for sure! Perhaps something a little like this ... 

Emily Rose ... named for the beautiful flower ... my first daughter ... my first baby ... do you know how much you are loved? Nana said to me in the hospital, on the day you were born, as she watched them place you in my arms, "Now you will know how much I love you." ... and I will pass that sentiment on to you and your babies. I love your unique quirkiness ... your unbridled love of not following the crowd and creating your own joy! You are my observer ... my quiet assessor of her environment ... yet your laugh, your smile will light up a room. I am so proud of all that you have done, and are still doing ... a smart and beautiful young woman. I am confident in your future ... you can do anything you set your mind to ... you love the stage, my love ... you love videography ... find what speaks to your soul, IN ALL THINGS ... and go with it ... and you know I'll always be with you ... I adore you, my  love ... your heart is mine, my heart is yours ... I love you ...

Kristen Jade ... named for the precious gem ... my second daughter ... my baby girl ... do you know how much you are loved? I have said "I love you" to you, every day of your life. You are in my heart, and I am in yours ... for ever and ever. You are my firecracker ... my inventor ... my fearless, beautiful, intelligent girl ... there is nothing you cannot do. I love your sense of style ... your individuality ... your fashion sense ... your sense of humor ... and you have a caretaker's soul, too. You've taken great care of me ... and have lifted my spirit when it needed a boost. You've expressed a desire to become a teacher ... I wholeheartedly support that endeavor ... you've shown a love of learning ... compassionate teachers who continually learn are always successful ... and that is you, lovey ... your heart will always guide you ... I love you so much, lovey .. I adore you ... your heart is mine, my heart is yours, I am with you always ...

Jim, my love ... how do I write this? Our life together started out in friendship, and developed into this beautiful family of ours ... we have been blessed! We actually started writing "love letters" to each other ... do you remember? You used to leave notes on my car while I was in Nursing School, encouraging me along the way ... cards and letters while I lived in LA ... Love Letters for our wedding ceremony ... notes in my luggage while I traveled for work ... and notes here and there over the years. I've loved you forever ... good times and bad ... and I've always known you've loved me. How you cared for me as my health became as issue in our lives confirmed that I had found REAL LOVE in my life. Thank you for that, my love. Pat tells Marie to "... live" ... and yes, I want the VERY same for you ... show our girls our "3 Islands" ... share with them all that we have ever been able to enjoy -- music, theater, traveling --... as much as I'd want to be growing older with you, it seems that my time comes before yours, so, LIVE, and, yes ... LOVE ... and know that you are etched into my soul, and you live in my heart ... and I know that I am there, in yours. I love you , in all that I have done ... in all that have been ... in all that I have ever wanted and waited for ... my curly-haired, blue-eyed, blonde boy ... for eternity.

Oh, my goodness ... I have REALLY got to start lightening up the blog subjects! I really love exercises of examining one's soul ... but all of these purging of emotions is just exhausting ... anyone have any good dessert recipes? I'll stick to easier subjects for a bit, I think!