Love Letters ...

It's been quite an emotional few days for me, and it seems for the whole country since the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado ... there have been so many things running through my heart and my head that I've been wanting to write about ... that I've been trying to organize in my brain ... 

It's funny how the Universe seems to point you in the direction you are supposed to travel and pay attention to. I've been writing about loved ones I've lost here in this blog recently ... I've been thinking about the families of those who were lost in that senseless mass shooting ... I've been worrying about my two girls and the social developments they will be ... or potentially soon will be ... making --- I've been thinking about my age and my health and worrying about how I will be able to cope with my life in the future. I worry about my husband ... his age and his health ... and how we will all be able to manage if we fall off of the tight rope we seem to be walking on ... and the whole thing scares me half to death ... but, this is where the written word has always seemed to comfort and calm ... and help me organize my thoughts and emotions. 

As fate would have it, I am reading ... and just finishing Marie Tillman's book, The Letter: My Journey Through Love, Loss & Life . Marie was married to Pat Tillman. The book describes her life after Pat, after reading the letter he left for her to read if he was killed in action, interspersed with her memories of her life with him. I am always amazed at how strong one can be when one HAS to be. I have seen it as an RN, and I see it in the story written by Marie Tillman ... and I've seen it in all of the unfortunate stories of victims of the senseless tragedies that have plagued our country over the last several years. It made me wonder how I would cope if tragedy struck my precious family ... I don't know how I would ... or could ... cope with loss of this sort at all. Even though I fear for the safety of my girls as they start to enter the social circle of malls and movies, etc., and every cell in my body wants to shield them from everything. Someone much wiser than I said that we cannot live being afraid ... we cannot live in a bubble ... we cannot stay at home and be afraid to go out to the movie theater ... or go out in a car ... or to the mall. When it is our time to go ... it is our time to go ... we cannot change that.

Pat Tillman's letter made me wonder what kind of letter I would leave behind for my loved ones to read ... I wrote something many, many years ago that needs now to be updated and revised and changed and deleted. If some unforeseen tragedy took me from my family, I would want them to have a letter from me. But what would I write now? What would I write? I would certainly leave behind love letters ... that is for sure! Perhaps something a little like this ... 

Emily Rose ... named for the beautiful flower ... my first daughter ... my first baby ... do you know how much you are loved? Nana said to me in the hospital, on the day you were born, as she watched them place you in my arms, "Now you will know how much I love you." ... and I will pass that sentiment on to you and your babies. I love your unique quirkiness ... your unbridled love of not following the crowd and creating your own joy! You are my observer ... my quiet assessor of her environment ... yet your laugh, your smile will light up a room. I am so proud of all that you have done, and are still doing ... a smart and beautiful young woman. I am confident in your future ... you can do anything you set your mind to ... you love the stage, my love ... you love videography ... find what speaks to your soul, IN ALL THINGS ... and go with it ... and you know I'll always be with you ... I adore you, my  love ... your heart is mine, my heart is yours ... I love you ...

Kristen Jade ... named for the precious gem ... my second daughter ... my baby girl ... do you know how much you are loved? I have said "I love you" to you, every day of your life. You are in my heart, and I am in yours ... for ever and ever. You are my firecracker ... my inventor ... my fearless, beautiful, intelligent girl ... there is nothing you cannot do. I love your sense of style ... your individuality ... your fashion sense ... your sense of humor ... and you have a caretaker's soul, too. You've taken great care of me ... and have lifted my spirit when it needed a boost. You've expressed a desire to become a teacher ... I wholeheartedly support that endeavor ... you've shown a love of learning ... compassionate teachers who continually learn are always successful ... and that is you, lovey ... your heart will always guide you ... I love you so much, lovey .. I adore you ... your heart is mine, my heart is yours, I am with you always ...

Jim, my love ... how do I write this? Our life together started out in friendship, and developed into this beautiful family of ours ... we have been blessed! We actually started writing "love letters" to each other ... do you remember? You used to leave notes on my car while I was in Nursing School, encouraging me along the way ... cards and letters while I lived in LA ... Love Letters for our wedding ceremony ... notes in my luggage while I traveled for work ... and notes here and there over the years. I've loved you forever ... good times and bad ... and I've always known you've loved me. How you cared for me as my health became as issue in our lives confirmed that I had found REAL LOVE in my life. Thank you for that, my love. Pat tells Marie to "... live" ... and yes, I want the VERY same for you ... show our girls our "3 Islands" ... share with them all that we have ever been able to enjoy -- music, theater, traveling --... as much as I'd want to be growing older with you, it seems that my time comes before yours, so, LIVE, and, yes ... LOVE ... and know that you are etched into my soul, and you live in my heart ... and I know that I am there, in yours. I love you , in all that I have done ... in all that have been ... in all that I have ever wanted and waited for ... my curly-haired, blue-eyed, blonde boy ... for eternity.

Oh, my goodness ... I have REALLY got to start lightening up the blog subjects! I really love exercises of examining one's soul ... but all of these purging of emotions is just exhausting ... anyone have any good dessert recipes? I'll stick to easier subjects for a bit, I think!